I feel like the Power Rankings that cnnsi and espn put out are the gayest thing since Steve Martin’s quirky mannerisms. So here are mine, im using the same factors that those losers use: So here goes…
1 Yankees: Do you want some Melk to go with those cookies little boy?
2. Chicago Cubs: Yes, the cubs, they have the best run scored differential in the national League. and Yes, that means something
3. K.C. Royals: Bet you didnt expect them in the number 3 spot? Niether did I, but they are here, get use to it
4. Minnesota Twins: I put them in the number 4th spot because that bridge fell in thier city, it would be unpatriotic to not have them in the top 4
5. Philadelphia: Why Not?
6. Cincinnati Reds: They beat the A’s in the world series when nobody gave them a chance. Thus making the phrase “The hunt for the Red october” mean something more than a Tom Clancy Novel. And Junior just hit a homerun. So they deserve this spot.
7. Baltimore O’s: They killed Gagne lastnite and Jim Palmer announces their games. Almost as cool as Steve Stone, he was, in fact, in the Naked Gun…Plus George wanted to name his kid 7. Not Bad!
8. Astros: Nolan Ryan pitched for them
9. Florida Marlins: Not only are they the only team named after a fish (devil rays are the devils soldiers on earth, and hence, not a fish) but they play at Dolphin Stadium, and Marlins arent even mammals, oh, the irony. You get number 9 Marlins
10. Oakland A’s: They might have gotten swept by the Reds in the 1990’s series, but that doesnt exclude them from my top 10.
11. Colorado: You might have ugly unis and a mascot named Dinger, but you once coined the phrase “Bichette Happens” after Dante Bichette ruled their outfield.
12. San Diego Padres: Two words cubs fans: Steve Garvey
13. Angels: I felt that I needed an AL team in the 13th spot
14. Washington: Do you think when they picked their name they considered the fact that people might call them Nats? No? well you get number 14
15. Chicago White Soxs: He Gone
16. Milwaukee: You guys get this ranking because you idolize a fat 21 year old, what model are you setting for the youth of america? Oh yeah, you dont care. Enjoy 16 suckers
17. Pittsburg Pirates: They would be 16, but they suck…
18. Cards: Why? Rick Ankiel. Wow, pretty badass
19. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: What a sad team, sad uni and sad stadium. Sad
20. Atlanta Braves: How lame is it that Jane Fonda was a heartbeat away from being the principle owner? Hinoi Jane would have traded all the players to North Vietnam, wouldnt she?
21. Texas Ranger: Nolan Ryan once played for them
22. Toronto Blue Jays: hey fired Cito Gaston. Wrong move in my book. Rule number 456(a): If Cito Gaston is your manger, dont fire him
23. LA Dodgers: Anyone with Luis Gonzales on their active roster should suck asshole
24. Seattle: I was in their city yestrday. If not, they would be even lower.
25. Cleveland: Just because a movie was made after them, doesnt make them cool? You dont see Angels in the Outfield helping that organization
26. San Francisco: If Barry Bonds wasnt on that roster, they might hit 23. But because of the Bond factor, they slip 3 spots
27. Arizona Diamondbacks: What a pathetic team. They suck in every sense of the world
28. Detroit Tigers: They have been sucking since the all star break, they sucked before that too, Lou Whitaker likes to kill ponies in his spare time.
29. NY Mets: Any team that plays at queens doesnt deserve to wear a uni, hold a bat, what a sad team thing over there.
30. Boston Red Soxs: Who did you expect? I would rank Hitler ahead of them in the Power Rankings.
Lets see who climbs the polls next week. stayed tune.